Holy not updating for two months, Batman!

Yeah, shit hasn't gotten much better here. We're mostly just keeping a distance from each other. I don't know why. Could be me. Could be him. Honestly not fucking sure. It isn't good. All the same things I've mentioned before are still relevant. No issues have been resolved whatsoever.

BUT...

Getting mad hours at work. Yay for Christmas!

And I've been playing Warhammer 40k all the time now. Its a nice change. And the internet cafe has awesome people there.

So it hasn't been all bad. :)

New hair, wutwut!

That's my [/scrunchyface]. Yeah, weird.

Nothing's really been going on. Playing some Warhammer 40K. A friend and I have signed on for a doubles Upstart tournament next week. Chaos Space Marines! <3

Again, I'M ON TWITTER.

Its much easier to keep up with me there.

Find me @Molokai42.

<3

I really don't have much to report, I guess.

While Alex was in Tennessee for eight days, I got really bored and sewed a costume.

For anyone who knows about Warhammer 40K, I sewed a girlie fleece Tau crisis suit.

Yeah, I have no life. I'm aware of that fact. :D

Alex came home Sunday, so we're all still being cute on each other and its sorta gross. Give it a couple days and we'll be back to whatever is considered "normal" for us.

Probably gonna just sit on the couch and watch Mission Hill again. Or maybe NCIS. Possibly Top Gear. I never really know.

<3

I am so happy that I am not in the same place I thought I would be two years ago.

September 20, 2009 was supposed to have been my wedding. I know I make a stupid big deal over it, but I don't think its realized quite how badly I wanted it back then. I gave up so much of myself to get there.

Luckily enough, I grew a brain and got the fuck outta Dodge, but still. Its not the person that I wanted. Its the feeling of having that one person for the rest of your life, knowing that they love you more than anything, and that you love them just as much and you both know it.

I'm sort of almost halfway maybe there. I'm sort of almost halfway maybe okay with that. I have a lot missing right now. And I am more than willing to work on this. I want to tell him so so so badly, but I just don't think I can.

We got in another sort-of fight the other day when I asked what was going on with this girl. Basically, it came down to him getting fed up with me and saying, "You don't trust me and you never will."

Shit, that fucking hurt, and I did not enjoy it. Because I don't want to think that its true. I've come so fucking far with trusting people. If I hadn't, we wouldn't even be together. Seriously. But I just freak out sometimes because I don't get the feeling that he cares about me even half as much as I care about him. And yes, I know I sound crazy because we've been together like, a year and a half. :D

So I just needed to get that out. And I've really been thinking about it while he's been gone (he left Friday morning to go back down south for a few days to work out some court business with his younger son). I really want to talk with him when he gets back, but he doesn't "talk", so this isn't really going to work.

But whatever.

This was supposed to be about the two years that I had that were awesome. Even though they sucked sometimes.

I am living a much better life than I could be.

Here's to more awesome and less suck. <3

I found out that Holland, MI actually has a craigslist. I looked up jobs in the area, found a $300 1992 Saturn, and a woman giving away kittens.

Would leaving be such a bad idea? Our cottage is paid off, at least. There's no washer/dryer, so water bill is less. Fireplace saves on heat. I don't mind using a Laundromat or sleeping on a comfy couch in the winter.   I have enough clothes to stay warm and cool and not have to do laundry very often.

I picture working in a restaurant in Saugatuck or Holland. Going to the beach whenever I want to. Getting tattoos at the Crux (even talking to the piercer who is...eccentric, to say the least). Maybe I could assist there? Find a job in town reading tarot cards?

Just do something. Anything.

And then we might not have to sell the cottage. I could live there. Get out of my dad's house so he can move somewhere smaller. Maybe I could actually take care of myself.

Maybe I would have someone with me. Maybe I would wind up going this alone.

I don't know.

But now I have this in the back of my mind. An option. Its a far shot, I know. But I like this dream.

I'm going to knit more of this hat, and watch some Mission Hill. Maybe I'll just go to bed.

I don't know anymore. My fingers are cold and typing is hard.  =/

Actually.... I prefer this. =D

<3

Ugh and also fuck.

Alex and I got into a HUGE, monumental fight that peaked when he threatened to move out. We got everything worked out, he went down south for a few days and now we're fine.

Except now my dad is being intolerable. And I'm being reminded of why I moved out last year. I can't live here much longer.

Something has to fucking give.

I know, I know.

I haven't been updating; shame on me!

To be fair, I've been sort of sucked into Twitter. Its easier to update on what's going on. I keep forgetting stuff when I post on LJ.

So if you'd like, I'm Molokai42 on Twitter. Stalk me. I don't talk about much interesting; just what's going on whenever I check my phone. :D

So otherwise...

I have a job interview at a video store on Thursday. I really hope that it pans out because I need a second job. Badly. Some stuff caught up with Alex so his weekly checks aren't as big anymore. I've been picking up some hours, but nothing consistent; a week of good hours and then almost a whole week off or more. Doesn't do anything for my checks.

In an awesome nerdy update, my favorite geeks and I have started to play Call of Cthulhu (the d20 tabletop version). So far,  I really like it. The mechanics are basically the same as D&D, but for some reason I almost find it harder. Its modern, and the character I play is completely different from any of my past characters. I play Morgaine MacKeltar, a criminal psychoanalyst...who also happens to be delving into the horrifying mythos of the Elder Gods. Hilariously enough, she has a Dexterity of 7. So she can't even shoot a gun to defend herself. XD

We're playing again tonight and I seriously can't wait. We've been getting our game on more and more and I really enjoy it.

Also, for some reason, I've realized that I pretty much love housewifing around. Days when I clean/cook/do laundry really make me feel like I'm doing something. I adore having someone to take care of. I can't wait to settlle down and start the rest of my life. Which is probably weird for someone my age....but that's the way I am.  :)

I'm going back to watching me some NCIS and taking a shower. Gonna get me some squeaky clean. :D

<3

I'm pretty sure I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.

I couldn't help it. Crazy hormones got the better of me and I said some pretty bad things.

I feel like a total asshole.

I think I need medication. I can't handle this on my own.

That, and the biggest lie of all keeps festering under my skin until it feels like I am going to just completely fall apart if I don't get it out in the open.

And I'm pretty sure that I can't. Or maybe I just don't want to. Or maybe its both.

I have no idea at this point. I just want him to come home from work and know everything is okay.

[/sigh]

Shit.

(entry title taken from Coraline. if you haven't already, read/watch it)

Things have been much better around here since he started working. Well, they *were*. For about a week. Now there's screwups with his checks and nobody cares so once again, we're barely making it day to day. Luckily enough, we at least have a place to hole up at night.

Its getting frustrating. I need a second job and I still haven't even gone to look. Mostly its just my deep urge to NOT have to hang out with my dad at all. He'll drive me insane, then I'll wind up going into a job and killing the first person to ask me a question.

Once again (or is it still?), my brain is completely full of crazy. I hate this. Like, why is it that you tell me that you aren't all "touchy-feely", but you *used* to be that way? I remember how things  used to be. Did we just hit a rut? Or did you sort of give up because we've been together so long? Ugh, this drives me fucking crazy. This and about a thousand other things that I don't talk about because I'm scared and because he's already told me once that he hates having "talks" like that. So now I'm a horrible mixture of scared and embarassed and sometimes I don't even talk to him about anything at all because I feel like I would just be annoying him and then I get all angry. THIS IS NO FUN. But once again, this usually only occurs during Hell Week, and once I get all of that out of the way, I can be a normal human being again.

I wish my stupid insurance thing would come back so I can just medicate the crazy into submission. It'll make a whole lot of people a lot less miserable.

I'm going to watch Cruel Intentions and maybe go back to sleep. I have nothing better to do except wait for Alex to come home.

Thanks, LJ, for making me feel like a douchebag.

Why does it seem that every time I take the opportunity to bitch on LJ, it gets solved in like the next two minutes?

I was right, last entry. It was him walking in the door.

His phone was acting up the last couple days and then it died. When I tried to text Chris (his brother), it turned out one of his dogs literally ate the battery in his phone. He was working on Chris and his wife Jeanette's cars pretty much most of those three days. He came home dirty and smelling like car fluid, so no bullshit.

I felt like such a douche. XD

Everything is okay, though. Got some D&D in last night, and going to do the same tonight.

He's...AT WORK right now! He got a job at a Honda dealership, at least for temporary. I'm proud of his stupid ass. :)

Going to get ready, as Em and I are going to hang out.

Bitchesbitchesbitches. :D

Today is already a good day, and I have only been up for like, a half hour.

Splendid. :D

<3

So for the last two days I've been vacillating between ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LIVID and upset and on the verge of tears.

Alex went to his brother's on Friday at two.

And that's the last I've seen/heard of him since then. He was gone all the rest of Friday, all Saturday, and it is now five on Sunday and he isn't home yet.

I know there are perfectly logical reasons (Friday was Sycamore, then Chris was supposedly having people over yesterday).

But a call would have been nice. His phone charger is here, so I'm guessing his phone gave out eventually. But I texted at like 1am on Friday, called at maybe four that same morning. Then called around noon on Saturday. Texted around four in the afternoon. And then I texted Chris this morning.

No response from anything so far.

It would have been nice to get some sort of notification that he wasn't coming home.

And I think he just pulled in. >_<

Also, my hair is pink now. It looks terrible though.

But I feel so much better. :)

Things are thankfully and blessedly normal.

Been on a huuuge Neil Gaiman bender lately. Watched Coraline, Stardust, and MirrorMask. Currently reading Neverwhere again. After I finish that, American Gods will be next. Already finished Good Omens. NEILNEILNEIL.

Jesus.

I really need a hobby. Sadly, my hobbies are mostly reading and watching movies.

Also, I would HONESTLY AND  TRULY recommend that any Neil fan possess the album called Where's Neil When You Need Him?, as it is PERFECT. I can't stop listening to it.

Seriously. Listen to me here. :)

Dangerous levels of crazy have since dissipated. Turns out it is once again, the stress from the job situations that has gotten him all eeeegh.

He looked at me like I was retarded when I brought up the fucking around. He totally isn't. I feel horrible that I even brought it up, and apologized.

He's on a walk right now. I'm listening to some tunes.

Today was spent mostly laying around in bed, watching Invader Zim (which is almost done downloading!!).


However, I am now obsessing over my BORING FUCKING HAIR.

I want my summery hot pink Splat. FUUUUUCK.

Needless to say, I think my string spells may be working. Nothing too major, but a little magickal nudge in the right direction never hurt.

Off to dig up my Freya candle and get some thank-yous in before he comes home.

<3

I was all ready to have that horrible discussion last night when he came home from a bike ride (which gave me my suspicions, but I want to just SHUT UP for two seconds).

Then we started watching Invader Zim, the episode called "Zim Eats Waffles".

Long story short, at four in the morning, we made waffles! Actually, he sort of captained it and made waffles. It was AWESOME.

Bitches, y'all need a man that makes waffles. Seriously. :)

I'm trying to shut up the crazy part of my brain, because its fucking crazy and not doing me any good.

We'll see how this goes.

I have high hopes, I really do.

<3

I have questions that I am too scared to ask. It will not end well either way. One case, he'll think I'm being psycho and over suspicious and feel insulted that I would think that he would do that.

Or worse than that, he'll tell me that I'm right.

Right now, circumstances are too vague. Sure, its a possibility. But I could just as easily be overreacting.

I think I'm overly sensitive about this issue because I've been on both ends of this (one more than the other).

I know how much it sucks to find out that the trust you put in someone was grossly misplaced.

But more than that, I know how easy it is to fabricate lies from thin air, to make someone believe you. Especially if they want to believe it. How many times did I say I was doing one thing and really doing another? Hell, I did that to be with him in the first place. I know the power of the convenient misinformation. Not lying, just not disclosing everything. Who you'll be with, where you're going, who you're fucking on the side.

I've done it.

And that's why I'm so afraid.

Because I know how easy it is to get away with it. It isn't like you put up neon signs to advertise such a thing.

I sincerely hope its just me being neurotic, because I couldn't bear this happening again. Once was enough. I never want to feel so used and horrible again. I don't want to feel so stupid again.

I have to stop being so crazy.

But still...I think once we get through all of this, we'll be okay.

I refuse to give up on this. I don't want to give up my chance to be happy. I just have some red tape to get out of the way first.

I won't give up this moment.

Today I feel better. He isn't awake yet, so I'm not sure how things will progress from here. All I know is that I will actively try to be good today. Be nice, be positive, be NOT FUCKING CRAZY.

<3

This is so stupid. It always seems like every time I "overreact", things get better. I didn't say anything, but he seemed better when he came back from his bike ride. I don't know what to do, and maybe that's my problem- my urge to "do" something, instead of letting things resolve naturally. I need to learn that I can't control everything, other people most of all. I make things too complicated, and half of the time it isn't even because I felt the need to, but because of the influence of other people and the standards people set.

Be flexible. Bend, do not break.

I am trying. It is hard, but it is by far the better option.

I know that last entry was sort of just *all* over the place, and I apologize. I really do. To all like, three of you that read this. :)

TALKS HELP NOTHING, BY THE WAY. I thought I should let everyone know. Lately he's been completely detached from me. It doesn't feel good. It sounds selfish, but I haven't gotten the barest hint of a snuggle in like, two weeks. He'll only stand still long enough for me to put an arm around him for like, two seconds. I get maybe like, two kisses a day (depending on if I have work that day. I usually wake him up when I leave for work to whore one. XD)

It feels horrible, like he doesn't even want to be near me anymore, much less touch me. What did I do wrong here? Maybe I'm just overreacting and its nothing...but still. Maybe he's stressed and handles it differently than I do. Doesn't help me much, because when I'm upset, I like the opposite. I want someone to just shut up and cuddle and let me at least pretend that things are okay. He's gone a lot now. Won't stay in the house too much; always outside working on the car or the RC car or going on like, three hour long bike rides. When he is home, we watch a movie or something and don't talk.

OUT

*Later...* Sorry I just ended like that; he walked into the room as I was typing. Didn't really want him to sit over my shoulder reading my angsting. Doesn't seem terribly productive. Either way, I give it maybe another day to clear up. Then I plan on pitching at least a minor-scale bitch about it. I think I'm allowed to. I just can't stand passively taking this and driving myself insane over it. I just want to give the hormonal-crazies a chance to dissipate before I jump the gun, just to be fair. I'm honestly working on trying to be nicer and less crazy. I thought I was doing better. Not sure if he's really noticed. But that's how guys are, I guess.

So we had a "talk" when he came home (which apparently he hates).

Got a little bit figured out, except for two (related) issues.

First off: turns out he's just not a squishytouchyfeely person. Being said, I asked how serious I was supposed to be at this point and apparently there really isn't a point in trying to plan out anything ahead of time because committments just wind up getting fucked up. So that out of the way, I am now more scared than ever. The important truth was left dangerously unsaid and now i don't know what to do with myself. I almost feel the need to try even harder to hide it. And that hurts. A lot.

I don't like this.

I need to be normal.

Even just for a little, enough to work this shit out.

I realize how insane I've been, and I hate it. I wish I could just function enough to fix this.

[/headdesk]

Fuck.

This is not okay.

It will be, hopefully.

=/

One fucking day at a time.