I'm not okay.
This shit gets harder and harder every day. It feels like everything is falling apart and I can't seem to fix it. Nothing ever gets better. I feel so fucking lost; I don't even know what to do anymore. Everything is out of control. My life is just too much and I'm trapped underneath it all. I didn't even realize how it was affecting me, what I was turning into. I want so badly to pretend that everything is going to be okay. But it doesn't feel like it, and I don't really believe it. I think its been me this whole time. How much was really the fault of others? Probably not nearly as much as I thought it was.
All I can focus on right now is closure. I need to know. Did you ever love me? I don't know why I'm so focused on this right now. But I feel like I need to know. I just need this to be over.
So I've pretty much stopped posting. Not on purpose; I mostly forget. I have mobile Twitter and the only thing I really use LJ for is to stalk my few friends on here, and to buy things.
I figured I'd post today. I have nothing better to do.
I've been through a few jobs. Nothing really stuck, unfortunately. Its been stressful, but nothing terribly dire.
Tomorrow is our one-year anniversary. My first real anniversary. It feels weird. I never could have predicted the way my life has gone this last year. And I couldn't be happier. Nothing's been perfect, but its been easier to cope. I like that. :)
Because I am self-punishing and weird, I have gone back and read some of my entries from last year. What made me do all that shit to myself? I feel like I lost so much time just sitting around, waiting for someone to love me. I've been thinking about it. A lot. I basically spent the last almost two years ramming my head into the wall, hoping that someone would grab me and tell me to stop. And all I got were more reasons to keep going.
I'm honestly proud of the choice I made. I don't like the way everything went down, and I certainly am not proud of the finer points of things, as it pretty much sucked. But I made a choice for me. I couldn't keep hurting myself. And that was the first time I made a conscious decision in that direction. Usually, I'm all like 'bring the pain!" on myself, but I couldn't do it anymore.
I'm happy now. Like, a real happy. Not last year, when 'happy' was basically a compromise and a thin lie over feeling really upset and not wanting to admit it.
I feel like such an ass because all last year I posted about 'real love' and blahblahBLAH, and I feel like a tool posting about it now, but this is pretty legit. Because for the first time, it feels like unadulterated, uncrazy, real love. None of that 'maybe he loves me but is too hurt to say it' and none of that 'he loves me he just doesn't know how to show it sometimes'. For the first time, I have a healthy, functioning, mostly sane relationship. We had nothing to gain from lying to each other or hiding anything anymore. And I was sick of doing that and eventually ruining my relationships. It was crazy slam bang what the fuck and now everything is okay. It feels fantastic.
For the first time, I don't feel scared. Every single one of my past relationships was more fear and doubt and insecurity than love. And yes, I still get some of that every once in awhile. Who doesn't? But now I don't stay that way. There's love here underneath all the stupid bullshit. Its secure.
Sorry. Me are rant. But my computer is back up and running and I felt the need for longpost. :) Muchos besos if you read this. <3
So I quit my full-time job, on account of it totally sucking and being utterly full of shit. I was sick of hating my life, and they gave me basically the worst employee review ever. And since I apparently couldn't do anything right, I quit.
But whatever. I'm happy now. :) and also overly excited for Kick-Ass. But must read the comic first!
Also, hella crazy schedule this month. Eluveitie and Assemblage 23 in concerts. Anime Central. C2E2. Bluhh.
But I gots my pook (SHUTUP) and working on being happier and less crazy and full of unnecessary stress. Baby steps. :)
Again, I'm not dead! I have a full-time job now in addition to part-time at Hot Topic. 40+ hours a week, what up!
Also, I'm really trying to get back to playing 40k. I played a little Killteams game and actually got my first-ever by-myself Tau win. It really helped me stop being so negative and view the game as fun and not a stupid chore.
Work is definitely starting to stress me out every once in awhile though. The days off at the bookstore are at Hot Topic. Today is one of my first real days off. Feels good. :)
I'm gonna try and keep updating from LJ mobile because my computer at home took a total poop. Updating right now from the boyfriend's bed while he's at school and watching Project Runway. Yes, I am that awesome. :)
the first day is always the hardest.
then again, so is the day after.
and the day after that.
it hurts so much.
its like there's a huge fucking hole where he's supposed to be.
but he isn't there anymore. and doesn't want to be.
i always manage to destroy things.
Holy not updating for two months, Batman!
Yeah, shit hasn't gotten much better here. We're mostly just keeping a distance from each other. I don't know why. Could be me. Could be him. Honestly not fucking sure. It isn't good. All the same things I've mentioned before are still relevant. No issues have been resolved whatsoever.
Getting mad hours at work. Yay for Christmas!
And I've been playing Warhammer 40k all the time now. Its a nice change. And the internet cafe has awesome people there.
So it hasn't been all bad. :)
I really don't have much to report, I guess.
While Alex was in Tennessee for eight days, I got really bored and sewed a costume.
For anyone who knows about Warhammer 40K, I sewed a girlie fleece Tau crisis suit.
Yeah, I have no life. I'm aware of that fact. :D
Alex came home Sunday, so we're all still being cute on each other and its sorta gross. Give it a couple days and we'll be back to whatever is considered "normal" for us.
Probably gonna just sit on the couch and watch Mission Hill again. Or maybe NCIS. Possibly Top Gear. I never really know.